I am a firm believer in going for what you want in life. I believe one should go after one's dreams and life should be better than large. As I believe in living a life of a go-getter, I practice it too. But as it is said, sometimes you win and sometimes you learn.
Recently, I have been through a turbulent time where I kept falling and peeling off like an onion. I came across my true self and facing all of my fears in the eye. It was like I am an onion and all my layers are coming off. Soon I was in nothingness where I felt nothing and feared nothing. So how did this all happened.
I left my country and went for an inter-exchange program to Colombia as I always wanted to live a Spanish culture being a Spanish teacher. I was in a really small city of Colombia, it was an extreme change as I have lived all my life in Delhi( the capital). To adjust in such a small city was a challenge. I had to navigate the routes, figure out my lodging in a place where OLX couldn't easily work and map my area.
I was thrown in a shitty accommodation where the bathroom was really small and dirty and in my room I could hardly make space for my suitcases.
Somehow I made friends and due to God's grace a friend of mine accomodated into her flat and I thought things were falling in place but actually the truth was quite different.
My project was delayed by a month and I was sulking day by day as I couldn't travel due to the project dates being shifted every now and then.
I went through cultural shock with people and food though I knew their language but it was a dramatic change.
My salary had changed after I landed into a foreign country which was just in the other corner of the world.
I was crying each day as I wasn't able to find a proper accommodation for myself and soon the project started.
I traveled more than two hours to reach the village where I was supposed to teach and soon that started killing me too. As the kids weren't disciplined, they were least interested in learning. Their only interest lied in knowing about a foreigners life(that's me) and English was an alien Language to an age group of (14-17 years).
I was astounded and stunned as in India everyone knows English at least to an extent where they can introduce themselves.
I taught the same thing to 8 different sections and I went bonkers. Soon a realization struck me do I really want to do this?
What was the reason I left home?
How do I feel now?
Am I really happy?
Am I pursuing what my soul wanted or what my Ego wanted?
Maybe all this while I was feeding my Ego as no matter how hard I tried I felt miserable at the end of the day.
I felt I was fighting someone else's battle.
When I am not happy there was no point pursuing it but then your ego takes a toll. Ego whispers, " You cannot give up, if you do people will stop respecting you and they will think you are weak. People would laugh at you. You cannot make mistakes, you have always completed things. You have always been right, you don't have the right to go wrong." Then I was in a black hole where I didn't know what to do and my soul whispered, " There is a difference between giving up on something which is your journey and giving up in realization this isn't your journey, this isn't your battle. You have to face yourself and it's okay to make mistakes, we are humans."
In the end, I realized I had the most beautiful journey of my life where I realized I was living someone else's life and all this while I was just trying to feed my Ego and please people around. It was more of an action to prove my point to my parents, that "see now you cannot control me."
But the truth is I had to break this circle of feeding my Ego and proving to people and just embrace my life as it is.
So I decided to come back to my country and figure things out, what I really wanted in my life and stop escaping from my life.
In the realization I would say I am really happy.
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